Revenge on The Caffeine Gods

The Caffeine Gods have my number.

From the time I wake up in the morning and for most of the day that ensues, my intake of caffeine is to the point of unhealthy. Coffee first thing, until roughly 11 a.m. Then Diet Coke all afternoon. Sometimes, if my mood is just right, I’ll brew more coffee in the evening. And that’s when I pay the price. My poor, abused caffeinated system lies awake at night thoughts racing and blood coursing. Sleep deprived by the Caffeine Gods. Then, following intermittent sleep between 3 and 6 a.m., the alarm rings and the process starts over. I’m an addict.

Thanks a lot Mr. Coffee. Thanks to Caribou and Starbucks. Much obliged Folgers and Maxwell House. Kudos to the Coca Cola Company. You got me. Now, however, it’s my turn.

There exists today, a legal precedent that I can use in my favor to cure my addiction -- or at least get paid handsomely for having it. The many battles fought and won by former smokers who suffer lung cancer and obese adults who’ve eaten fast food their entire lives, positions me well to sue and win a court case against the caffeine pushers of the world. This time, the caffeine-laden drink producers are going down! I’ll find an attorney with the salt of Johnny Cochran, "If there's caffeine in it, you must acquit."

Errr, well - no need to acquit because I'm not charged with any wrongdoing. Just pay up!

-end-