My O.J.-Esque “If I Did Its”

After reading that FOX is going to air a special featuring O.J. Simpson aptly called, “If I Did It, Here’s How I Murdered (Oops I Mean WOULD Have Murdered) My Ex Wife,” I decided there are several of my own “if I did it” scenarios...

1) If I did it, I would have invented self-cleaning toilets. A gruesome job, even with a toilet brush and strong Lysol Toilet Bowl Cleaner (TBC), I’ve never mastered the task. Oh, I get the bowl clean, but there’s always a splash here or there – especially when dispensing the TBC.

2) If I did it, all U.S. marriage laws would enable spouses to “renew” their marriage license every five years, similar to how we renew our drivers licenses. There would be no penalty for not renewing the marriage license. Non-renewal would mean the marriage ended. No fuss, no muss and no emotional or financial hardships imposed.

3) If I did it, childhood obesity would become part of history because all gaming devices such as Playstations and Nintendo consoles would require participants to stand and move about. The latest Nintendo Wii enables users to jump and move freely with the wireless remote controller device. In my scenario, however, all games would have to include physical movement. Grand Theft Auto, for example, would require the user to walk and run to catch whomever they were chasing, and then actually swing their arms as if they were hammering their victim with a baseball bat.

4) If I did it, all homeless kids would have a bed under a roof with their moms or dads who receive special help in learning a trade while being compensated to cover basic expenses. School-age kids would get to go to school.

5) If I did it, the Iowa Hawkeyes would ALWAYS beat the Minnesota Gophers in all Big 10 sporting contests each year.

6) If I did it, cable/satellite TV, wired and cellular phones, Internet service, and satellite radio would all be bundled together with unlimited use for the low price of $40 per month. Face it, these companies are ripping us off with their installation packages and high monthly fees.

There. If I did these things, life would be soooo much better. I better get busy!

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