Oh No, Another Churn about Coffee

My fascination with coffee began at a very early age. When I was in elementary school, my cousin and I were at our favorite Uncle's house for Thanksgiving (or Christmas). It was mid-afternoon and we were playing cards at the kitchen counter - sitting on bar stools. Our uncle walked through and filled a coffee cup and my cousin asked, "How can you drink that stuff?" He replied, "It's good and it puts hair on your chest."

We laughed and then of course both had to drink a cup to see if it worked. Funny how years later I detest hair on my chest - but at the time we really wanted to discover if hair would grow on our prepubescent, smooth-as-glass chests. It didn't. In our adult lives though, both cousin Bob and I have been avid coffee lovers, due in part to that uncle of ours.

On day's like today, wet, rainy, dreary, and gray, I really enjoy the smell of coffee brewing in the house. Brewed with a dash of cinnamon, I'll add a half teaspoon of sugar to my cup and fill it. The steaming java aroma fills my lungs (and suddenly I recognize why cigarette smokers like smoking. Because if coffee lovers love the odor and flavor of coffee, along with the usual perk of caffeine that comes with it, why wouldn't smokers with their habit appreciate the taste and smell of a lit cigarette. I'll give them that much).

BUT. Combining the two just doesn't work for me. So many smokers I know smoke and drink coffee simultaneously. It's like a crack addicts crack pipe with a whiskey chaser, I suppose. Coffee and a smoke - pre-breakfast, mid morning, post lunch, mid-afternoon and before bed. I wonder if Maxwell House and Winston have every talked about a merger. In my view, mixing a cigarette's unique flavor with the rich taste of a dark cup of coffee makes my stomach churn. Smoking just is not something I could get caught up in. My lungs thank me. And I certainly appreciate the hills I can climb on my bike because I've got the lung capacity to charge it, legs pumping like crazy, and conquer it without dying of suffocation.

I digress.

Coffee. If only I could figure out a way to carry a hot cup of it when I'm out on the bike early on a chilly Saturday or Sunday morning. Until some innovation comes to bear, I'll enjoy my java AFTER the ride is over.

-end-

The Wastebasket Review

What do you get when you cross 100 teachers with the ability (kind of) to write their own two-act play and perform it in front of a live audience? A lot a lot of bad jokes - mostly pointed at the school administration.

Tonight my 11-year-old pleaded to go to the annual scholarship fundraiser/variety show school district teachers aptly call, "The Wastebasket Review." I relented and found myself in the third to last row of the balcony in the Sr. High auditorium. Bad lighting, bad sound and an endless array of jokes that could easily be downloaded form the Internet. This year's theme: "Wanderin' West."

The villain of the show, Hostel Macho, had permanent mic problems - making most of his one-liners impossible to understand. Not that the audience noticed.

Cowboy speaking to Hostel Macho: "What did the bartender say to the five dollar bill that wandered into the saloon?"

Hostel Macho: "I don't know. What?"

Cowboy: "Get the heck out of here. This is a singles bar."

Awful, I know.

So for $7.50 each we sat as long as I could stomach the show. Until my son got to see his fifth grade teacher dance, tell a joke and saunter off the stage.

The best part of the night? On the way home my son thanked me for taking him. Bad script, lighting, sound and acting - but a sincere thank you for time spent with me...that is priceless.

-end-

I Ride Therefore I Wave

It's April 26 and already I've ridden more miles on the bike than I did all of last April and May combined. With spring weather that cooperates the biking season is underway. This Sunday entails a 62-mile ride through the rolling hills of central Minnesota. I'll be sharing the road with 4000 other cyclists, stopping from time to time to load up on bananas, bagels and Gatorade. What could be more fun on April 30 than biking in the Minnesota Ironman?

There's a code for cyclists when you meet a fellow rider on the road. You don't shout out, "how ya doin?" or even really make direct eye contact. All that's required is a simple two fingered wave. I've mastered the two-finger wave. At this point, I don't even have to remove my hand from the handlebars. I simple extend two fingers in the rider's direction briefly...then regrip the handlebar. There's no pause, no loss of momentum and best of all no small talk as two cyclists pass on the road. Life is good!

I often wonder what those passing me in their cars must think (they don't get a wave, by the way). Here I am, black bike shorts, a colorful jersey, fingerless gloves, bike helmet, clipless shoes chugging up a hill out of the saddle - or maybe screaming down a hill in aero-mode. From behind me a big red Chevy 4X4 lurks waiting to pass. When the road is clear I hear the roar of the Chevy. The passenger side window is down and a bulky bearded dude with a cigarette dangling from his mouth gives me a look like I just landed from Jupiter. Those are the moments I'd like to have, just for a moment, the super power of Steve Austin in the Six Million Dollar Man series. I'd hit the pedals and blast by the Chevy - making bearded smoking man swallow his ashes as he stares at the Cannondale logo on my ass.

Just once.

-end-

Let's Talk Teenage Jargon

Shway.

Jargon among teenagers cracks me up. It’s so catchy – even if you don’t necessarily know exactly what the heck the latest slang term means, you have to admire the teenagers who are creating meaningful words and phrases relevant to their ages.

Last weekend I picked up on a couple recent words I overheard my ninth grade daughter using. Shway, as in, “I’m shway out of patience with my little brother.” It’s an easy enough combination of the words “so” and “way,” making a word that sounds much more trendy and useful. I’m trying to incorporate it into the workplace, but I’m not quite sure how it will fly.

The other funny word that struck a chord with me was “socks.” In this case, my daughter and her friends replace the word “boyfriend” with the word “socks” as in “Every girl should bring their socks to the movie.” It makes me laugh because they think they’re talking in code and the parents won’t catch on. Maybe I’m dense, but I caught on quickly.

The whole episode of de-coding “socks” made me think back to my junior high days and how the girls would use the periodic chart of elements to talk in code. For example “NA” referred to sodium on the element chart. But in a hallway conversation, if you heard a girl say “Sodium” or “NA” you knew they were talking about someone’s butt. Both terms meant, “nice ass.” Clever.

Birth Days Remembered
Monday, April 24 prompted me to think back on the days my kids were born. January 5 and May 11. Those days are very relevant in my life because they marked occasions that we as parents/parents to be only experience once or twice in a lifetime. Birth days should be celebrated!

When Kayla, my oldest was born, I was ecstatic. The doctor had guessed Kayla to be a boy all along and while I would have been fine with a boy, I was hoping for a girl. I wanted a daughter. My wish was granted and Kayla has been THE best daughter. She’s 15 today and very “me” centric, but that’s okay. Her level thinking, common sense and intelligence is something I admire for a kid her age. She already has accomplished way more than I did at that age. Seeing her in a play, in the choir or just interacting with her brother makes me proud to be her father. She’s a real light in my life.

And Evan. When he was born and I realized I would have both a daughter AND a son to share lives with I wondered how on earth I could ever top that feeling. (As an aside the feeling has been topped thanks to recent events in 2005 and 2006, but in different ways.) Evan is unique in his boyhood in that he shows his emotion and his love openly. He’s not lured by his friends to be “tough” or to hide how he’s feeling and because he’s maturing with that philosophy, I know in my heart that he’ll make a woman very happy someday.

Together, my two kids bring me tremendous joy and pride. Sure, they can be menacing little pests at times. They can be selfish and crude and spiteful and hateful. But those rare moments are forgotten when they finish a phone call with, “love you dad” or when they help make dinner because they want to spend time with me.

Then yesterday, Monday, April 24, a rush of the excitement of my kids’ own birth days swooped through my body – caused by other events. The feeling paused me to smile and remember what their first days in the world were like. I’m thankful I was there on those days, an active participant. I’ll always be there for Kayla and Evan – as their father and their friend.

They’re shway important to me.

-end-

Some Minor Observations

There's a lot of change in the air. It's out of my control and with this change I need to just sit back and take a deep breath. I'll cross my fingers and legs, plant my feet firmly on the floor and...observe:

1) You can’t really plan past today. Someone once said, “In life dessert should always come first, so enjoy.” A close friend shared that with me several years ago, and wow, it did hit home. Why wait to do what needs to be done? Take action. Carpe de um. Worry about the trivia when there’s nothing left to do (and you’ll never have to worry about the trivia). If you’ve got something to say, say it. If there’s something on your “Do Before I Die” list of activities, by all means, get moving. We all know what happens when we procrastinate. Sometimes the window closes shut before we have a chance to get out. Is it insane to live in the moment? Not at all. Either live for today and enjoy each moment to its fullest, or wish you had it to do over tomorrow. You decide.

2) Be resilient. No one knows more than me that life isn't all roses. I've been through the worst and some of those days were truly dark. But, with each new day, I've learned that the worst for me is over. I keep certain people as close as possible to me and they keep me motivated to be my best, do my best and love life. It's not in our nature to give up. Are we dumb to let our optimistic outlook rise to the surface? No. That’s how we take control and turn bad situations into positives. If we all walk around looking down at the ground we run into walls and doors and each other – and nothing gets done. So heads up. Move forward. It’s a new day.

3) Say thank you. Thank You. Natalie Merchant’s lyrics from the song Kind and Generous, while somewhat annoying, are more than just repetitive words. In life, we always have the option to eat dessert first.

-end-

Surrey or Suri? What's with These Baby Names?

“Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in the surrey. When I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top.”

~Curly, “Oklahoma”

It’s not the most popular song from the musical “Oklahoma,” but it is catchy. So I’m thinking Tom and Katie – you know, the famous Cruise/Holmes duo – may have been humming the tune these past couple months as they awaited the birth of baby Tomkat. Of course, on April 19 we all know they named their newborn baby girl Suri, which has a totally different meaning from surrey. Surrey is simply a horse-drawn buggy with a fancy roof to shade passengers. On the other end of the continuum is Suri, which is primarily Armenian and means “wealthy.”

What is it with celebrities and the wacky names they choose for their offspring? Moon Unit? Apple? Banjo? Diezel? Pilot Inspektor? Yeah, these are all actual names chosen by celebrities for the kids they’ve brought into the world. Must be their creative side seeping out of them. As if a celeb’s own popularity isn’t enough to get them column inches in “People” magazine when their child is born. Or, perhaps mom had an epidural that leaked up the spine and into the head instead of numbing the lower extremities. Whatever the case, at least we “normal” non-celebs have something to smile about when a superstar’s baby enters the world. I hear Kelly Clarkson intends to name her first baby “Hinge,” if it’s a boy and “Saltine” if it’s a girl.

The reason we choose the names we do for our kids are as varied as the colors of paint available at Home Depot. Names often have a specific purpose: to pay homage to grandma or grandpa, or provide a child with a name of power or leadership. In the late 90s hundreds of little boys were named William or Jefferson after our 42nd president. Monica, on the other hand, not so popular. Then there are names that are selected because they flow well with another sibling. I had a junior high teacher who had five kids, three boys and two girls, all with names beginning with “k.” Kyle, Kevin, Kara, Kelly, and Kelsey. Catchy to the point of puking.

I personally propose more moms and dads to be should look to their favorite soap operas for the perfect name. Don’t laugh – it’s happened more than once.

So…as you consider a naming convention in preparation of your newest little arrival, consider the traditional, the unique, the ceremonial, and the meaningful. Try a few combinations of the names you like the most. You’re certain to come up with something very special. Tomkat succeeded with Suri. My guess is you can do better than that!

“Don't you hurry little Surrey, with the fringe on the top.”

-end-

Revenge on The Caffeine Gods

The Caffeine Gods have my number.

From the time I wake up in the morning and for most of the day that ensues, my intake of caffeine is to the point of unhealthy. Coffee first thing, until roughly 11 a.m. Then Diet Coke all afternoon. Sometimes, if my mood is just right, I’ll brew more coffee in the evening. And that’s when I pay the price. My poor, abused caffeinated system lies awake at night thoughts racing and blood coursing. Sleep deprived by the Caffeine Gods. Then, following intermittent sleep between 3 and 6 a.m., the alarm rings and the process starts over. I’m an addict.

Thanks a lot Mr. Coffee. Thanks to Caribou and Starbucks. Much obliged Folgers and Maxwell House. Kudos to the Coca Cola Company. You got me. Now, however, it’s my turn.

There exists today, a legal precedent that I can use in my favor to cure my addiction -- or at least get paid handsomely for having it. The many battles fought and won by former smokers who suffer lung cancer and obese adults who’ve eaten fast food their entire lives, positions me well to sue and win a court case against the caffeine pushers of the world. This time, the caffeine-laden drink producers are going down! I’ll find an attorney with the salt of Johnny Cochran, "If there's caffeine in it, you must acquit."

Errr, well - no need to acquit because I'm not charged with any wrongdoing. Just pay up!

-end-

Effective today, I will no longer discuss Minnesota weather patterns.

To be blunt, Minnesotans (liberal use of the long “O” vowel sound here) allow the temperature, lack of sunshine, wind speed, and other weather-related factors to consume too many of their waking hours. For most, the weather is the first thing we want to hear about in the morning and the last thing we catch on TV at night. And thanks to some very cruel tricks played out by Mother Nature – we are official weather maniacs.

Will we sweat to 80 degrees in mid-April? Will it break 50 degrees in late April? Will it rain? Will it snow? For crying out loud, it’s pea-size hailing while the sun is shining!!! CALL PAUL DOUGLAS – the weather guy at local CBS affiliate WCCO-TV.

Let’s face it, Mother Nature puts the smackdown on Minnesota every year. It's a WWE-style weather death grip. We’re at her mercy – slap the mat three times and count me out.

No. Better yet, let’s band together and stand up to the weather. What’s more important, hiding in the basement as funnel clouds hover overhead, or enjoying a beer with your neighbors in the garage watching a wall cloud develop and dump five inches of rain on your lawn in an hour? Live life, I say.

When it comes to the weather you can do one of two things: A) watch from inside as Mother Nature turns your spring and summer upside down; or B) get on with planned activities and just deal with it.

I choose option B. After all, I'm a cyclist and I’ll be damned if I’ll let a little bad weather ruin my season.


-end-

Nice Glasses

When did eyeglasses become cool for kids? Last I recall, kids who wore glasses were the subjects of very cruel and disparaging remarks – like "four eyes."

Sometime between 1977 and 2006, glasses became vogue. When I first got glasses (seventh grade) I was far too embarrassed to wear them. Of course my mom picked out the ugliest frames imaginable. No girl would be interested in a boy with eyeglass frames the size of 3X5 notecards. So I kept the glasses a secret from just about everyone – including teachers.

And then it happened. My math teacher, Mr. VanderBurg, called on me on a day when I failed to sit in the front row. He asked me a question about an equation written on the chalkboard. I was (and still am) nearsighted. I squinted and blinked to make out the blurry white lines. Nothing. So I faked an answer, which resulted in immediate laughter from the whole class.

"You’re supposed to wear glasses, aren’t you?" he barked at me -- in front of my peers. GASP!

"Uh-huh," I said in a stupor.

"Instead of walking around making a fool of yourself, you better put them on your face!" he said. Apparently 25 years ago, teachers could actually order students around, and the kids usually followed those orders. I’ve worn glasses every day since. So "thanks" Mr. V.

And recently, my daughter Kayla got her first pair of glasses. She did her best to fake out the optometrist in order to score the eyewear (yes they even call it "eyewear" so it sounds more fashionable). All her friends, it seems wear glasses for reading or to identify their girlfriends from three blocks away. It’s a trendy thing, glasses, for girls. It’s the "in" thing to do.

The optometrist told us that this was the third or fourth girl of the week who claimed bad eyesight. "They do their darndest to trick me during the exam. But it’s obvious that their purpose is to get glasses because it’s so cool," said the doctor.

What a bonanza for eye doctors everywhere. No wonder the line at LensCrafters is a mile long on Saturday and Sunday. Hundreds of parents are shelling out hundreds of dollars on eyeglasses that will be worn for exactly eight days, until a new trend takes over.

What do parents do? One eye exam and one pair of Donna Karan eyeglasses later, Kayla is part of the "in" crowd. She will not be considered uncool among her peers. Not as long as daddy four eyes is still around.

-end-